Where do we go after we’ve been through the valleys? Who do we trust again after all the deep scarring? What can we allow our hearts to believe again? How much can we let someone in again? I think it’s one of the scariest things in life is to let someone enter your heart after all the excruciating pain. I see this happen the most when it comes to dating. Most of my readers know from past posts that I’ve been in a few abusive relationships. That hasn’t helped me in my dating life… at all… You promise yourself every day you’ll never let someone cause you pain like that ever again. It’s harder for people like us to fully trust others in dating relationships because abusers can take a giant piece of you. They can steal your ability to love again. They ruin your self-esteem. On top of it, all the abuse makes you build thick, wide, stone walls so you can’t get hurt again.
Beyond past the abuse, my other dating experiences don’t make dating much easier either. I was once engaged for a hot second. I tried on the ring and the same time frame I was supposed to get proposed to, was the same time I was broken up with. That in itself has made me scared of dating. I was “engaged” once. How can I trust the next time will be it? The fear of going to that step with someone again has been so overcoming because of that one event. I’m BEYOND thankful that this engagement never lasted, but the cut was so deep it has caused an earthquake in my soul in order to really love someone without fear. I would hope that when I do find “the one” that I will have no fear from that past time. That when I actually do get engaged that it will be exciting. That then I will not be stuck in thoughts just formed from fear.
So we’ve got a great equation for success in dating so far, don’t we? Well, on top of it all, the freshest wound was from this summer. I was tricked by a man… just kidding… by a boy. This person made me believe in him. This person made way for me to feel comfortable with someone again. This was a few months after the “proposal.” So, this was a big deal for me. I was stepping out of my comfort zone for the first time since that lonely, horrible time. I was taking a large leap of faith because I thought I was happy. The first (what I thought was legitimate) person that I could see myself dating ended up tearing down my hope that I had finally built up. He decided instead of being a man that he would ghost me for two weeks, and never speak to me again. He lured me in. This was the first time I had put myself out there, and this is what he decides to do? It’s not fair. It’s not right. No man AND/OR woman should ever ghost another person. It’s misleading. It hurts the other person more than you could ever know. This happening made me build up walls again. How could I ever just try a relationship with someone again? Ya, that’s why I worry when someone doesn’t communicate well in dating because I go to an automatic stage of my past to assume they’ll ghost me. When I plan things to do with a guy it can come off pushy. It’s a defense mechanism so I can have comfort in knowing I won’t get ghosted because I’ll plan to see them again. Also, when things are planned, it allows me to know where their head is at in the relationship. It’s weird, but it’s what I do to protect myself.
When you have a past like mine in dating or any kind of hurt in your relationships story it feels practically impossible to not react based on our experiences. No matter how much I remind myself that I will get hurt again by putting myself out there, it takes an act of God to tear down those walls I have built. Insecurities suck, and God is the only thing that can quiet them. At times, my insecurities or bad past experiences scream at me. They can overwhelm me at times, but that’s what faith is for. I might not be great at dating, but I have to have communication with my Lord in order to make it through. In order to keep going, I have to trust He’s got my back. Then Christ and I together (EVERY DAY) can tell satan, “NOT TODAY!!” Yes, the devil is really good at his job by putting those thoughts in my head, but I have to remember the healing God has provided to me from these trials. It’s a daily reminder to fight this battle.
I’m driving back from a football game tonight and I hear a worship song about God seeing that we are strong with Him. He sees us as beautiful, worth it, and strong. That was my message I got from the Holy Spirit was that while I continue to date, that I need to lean on Jesus. I can’t let Satan continue winning at this. The Spirit was telling me I am strong. My insecurities won’t get the best of me when I completely surrender those hardships to Him. I’m tired. I’m tired of my insecurities running and deciding how my dating happens. I want to be happy. I want to not worry about the pain. I want to not worry if the guy likes me still or not. I want to not worry about if he’s going to ghost me. I want to STOP THE WORRYING. I want more of Jesus in my path when it comes to dating. I want my heart to beat again…