When You Try And Try…

Do you ever just completely get down on yourself and feel like a failure? Maybe it’s just me, but it’s happened to me quite a bit lately because life can just be a little crazy sometimes. I have been trying so hard to be better at pretty much every single aspect of my life that my “trying” has made things even harder. My trying has built up worry in me, fear, doubt, and failure. I can’t be perfect, but man, I’m trying to be better.

I’m really good at letting Satan do his job on me. I don’t know why I continue to let him, but I’m trying to work on it. Satan is so good at worming his way into my thoughts when I have a short temper on something, when I am nervous about something, when I’m assuming about something, etc. Pretty much anything that I have a weakness with he finds the perfect setting for me to just walk through. He places doubt. He places fear. He puts so many ungodly thoughts in my head that I have now come to realize that life, a lot of the time, is a battle to fight Satan’s power over me.

One of my biggest trials I face is when I consume myself with emotions. I am very strong minded. Sadly, I am quick to get angry. I do snap at people. I don’t like that about myself, but it’s something I’m trying to fix. Since I am so emotionally driven I get bummed really easily. If I feel as if I’ve disappointed someone, or if I’ve upset them in any way I feel this overwhelming guilt that Satan just makes everything in that moment feel horrific when really, it’s not. I also don’t understand sarcasm whatsoever so I feel dumb or attacked when people use it sometimes so I either use my emotions to get defensive or I shut down. This is all Satan taking over. The best way I can describe this is like he’s putting up these blinders where I get so distracted by how I’m feeling that I don’t see the blessings at that moment. I forget about the fact that how I’m feeling probably won’t matter in 5 years. These blinders are like narrow tunnels that the Devil wants me to run into and keep running in. Because of this, I end up letting him win. I don’t end up using God’s gifts, blessings, talents, and armor He graciously gave me to win the battle, but I’m trying to be better.

Another area I’m trying in is applying a filter. There are times I word vomit and it turns out to be either 100% embarrassing and/or not showing God’s love. God talks about how we should think before we speak. I have been praying about this all my life because I know that I’m really good at not using a filter. There’s sometimes… most times… I’m too sassy to people. There’s sometimes I am so tired the filter has been thrown away so I get snippy. My family likes to call it the “pterodactyl mode”. There are times that I think I’m trying to be funny and my filter is broken and then it’s pretty dumb what ends up coming out of my mouth. I also would like to have a filter that would silence my ditziness. Mostly, I would just like to have a filter that would naturally make me use kinder, more uplifting words. Again, I’m trying…

Overthinking is my middle name. This is like Satan’s prized possession whenever he’s on the attack with me. He knows that because I overthink that it’s his greatest opportunity to get me right where he wants me. Satan wants me vulnerable. He so badly wants to make me lose. He wants for me to get so discombobulated that I can’t hear God. So because I overthink, Satan creeps his way in and makes those tiny thoughts grow so big that I feel like a failure. He makes those thoughts so heartbreaking that I feel insecure. Here’s the thing, I’m trying to ignore him…

I really wish I was better at being a more loving friend. I wish I was a better employee. I wish I was better at dating and being a better significant other. I wish I was a better family member to loved ones. Most of all, I wish I was a better Christian. The whole point here is, I’m trying. I’m trying not to let my emotions run wild. I’m trying to tame those assuming thoughts. I’m trying to judge people less. I’m trying to replace my sassy words with kind words. I’m trying to be better at my job. I’m trying to be more productive. I’m trying to be more fit. I’m trying to be less nosey. I’m trying to be smarter. I’m trying to grow my faith. I’m trying not to repeat past mistakes. I’m trying not to get hurt again. I’m trying to help more people. I’m trying so hard with all of this that it’s all too much for me to handle. I’ve hit my breaking point. I’ve come to the end of my rope. I should have surrendered all of this sooner. I have let Satan win in these areas so many times that I’m DONE. I want to conquer all of this. I want to be a warrior in Christ’s name. I just know that I can’t eat the elephant all at once. I can’t expect myself to be the one to fix all of this. I can’t do it alone. I’m not perfect. I’m going to fail, but MY GOD IS BETTER. His grace, His mercy, His love runs so deep that I know if I come to Him and walk with Him, He will fix me. God doesn’t require perfection. He doesn’t want me to let doubt and fear overwhelm me. He wants me to just come home. He wants me to surrender these burdens and to worship Him through all the pain. He wants me to look up to Him for guidance and use the Word He has provided to continue to grow. He has the power to make me feel loved and complete. He has the power to beat Satan like He’s done before, and I’ll see Him do it again. I’m going to continue to try, but I’m going to lean more on God than myself. It’s gonna take time. It’s going to take grace from my loved ones. It’s going to take prayer and effort, but God wants us to grow in Him. So in the end, ya, I suck at life, but I’m trying to change that. God makes all these growing pains produce beautiful outcomes and I have faith that He will always do great things.

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